PhD DOTA & CS-holic’s journey

Today marked the 12th day I’ve started my holidays since the end of my exams. Before that, I was counting days to when the holidays would start but now since it’s started, I have been aimlessly trying to fill my days with some sort of activity to at least enjoy the holidays but to no avail. Weird mind I have, now IT’s thinking of going through the thick Java book that I have and it’s barely even 2 weeks into the holidays. It’s like having 2 personalities in your mind but with different agendas. Weird and scary at the same time. Just hope I don’t end up like the guy from movie "Identity". A whack job with 8 different personalities.

Ah, I guess it takes more than that to make me go crazy. I miss home. I guess that’s it. I just miss the smell and the feeling of home. Everywhere I turn, people seemingly forgot that I’m not going back so by the time the question of when I’m going back comes out for like…the 300th time, they then only realized that it was the wrong question to ask.

I’m spending more time listening to Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars. "If I lay here, If I just lay here, Would you lie with me and just forget about the world" is how the chorus goes. I wish I could do that…even the video clip looks excellent. If you haven’t heard the song then you should give it a go.  Listen to the lyrics. Not just because it’s a famous song or the fact that it’s played repeatedly  radio. Take time and listen. Then you’ll know what I’m talking about. Enough ramblings…

Lo and be hold, it’s already been 2 weeks and 6 days since I volunteered for the Cocoa and Blod Pressure study. Been gruelling but I managed to get through it. Albeit with a few cups of coffee from the local cafe. Hehe…so sue me. But I try to stick to the regime of havng a cup of cocoa in the morning and in the evening. Twice a day. Cocoa is pure cocoa. Not sweet, not tasteless also. Just in between. The way I like it.

I realized there’s a change in me. I’m easily more open with my feelings. Not sensitive generally, just more open. (I know the word is MELLOW, but come on…I’m not goin to admit that I’ve mellowed down). I’ve never really been open to people before. I guess that’s why I make jokes, to make my life sound more interesting. So whoever has read this, I’ve changed. No caffeine in the system. Remember that everytime you’re talking to me, you’re getting the stripped down version of me. No walls, no doors, just me. I also find I easily connect to strangers. Something that I couldn’t do when I was on coffee. Not a bad progress for me. Cheer for me guys. Pat me on the back. But never ever say that I’ve mellowed down. I’ll put that person 6 feet under. Literally.

Problem-listic infatuation. The feeling of being passionate abt something through/with problems. Just take a minute to think about it, look it up or laugh abt it. I have to say that everyone has a problem-listic infatuation syndrome. U know why? Coz problems are just apart of our lifes. Sometimes some people always seem to have really shitty situations to go thru but in end they just go on. Coz the important part of being alive is putting a foot or a few steps forward no matter what. That’s life’s greatest teaching and it applies to everyone since they were just small cells in their parents. You know, our cells are the ones that decide how we look like. So don’t complain if you don’t look like Brad Pitt or Heikal Husin, you decided how you look like today. Yea, we weren’t delivered by great big giant "STORKS".

Anyway, problems are just life’s way to say "Hey, you’re alive…be proud of it". For me and some of the people out there, we seemed to miss that fact. We complain, we moaned, we cry, we bitch abt it but we never really saw the good side of it until someone points it out. Keeping a problem inside is not the way to solve it but as humans, we have our own individual way of letting go. Take for an example, me….I like walking about aimlessly and drink loads of coffee. Coffee for me is like alcohol. Sad but that’s how I cope. Better than being an alcoholic. I intend to change that.

I now know that if I’m feeling sad or depressed, I would have my friends and my family to help me through. Most of the time we turn to our friends coz it’s easier. Its easy to open up to a person who doesnt really know you that well than someone who has been with you throughout your life.  Hence, the profession: Pyschiatrist.  Anyway, everyone has a syndrome called problem-listic infatuation.  It’s there. It’s the thing that pushes us everyday to be a little better. It’s what makes us feel human. So deal with it. Live with it. And don’t ever feel that you’re weird just because you’re sad over a problem.

You’re just going through a problem-listic infatuation phase. It will pass. So cheer up, get up and walk again. I know I will.