PhD DOTA & CS-holic’s journey

Well, it’s been awhile since I wrote the continuation of my journey in this world.

People always say that life throws a screwed up ball once and awhile. That happen to me in 2008.

A lot of things has happen (sick, grandma and relatives passed away, aunt got robbed, frens getting married etc.) 2008 was just a year filled with lots of memories. Both good and bad. The good thing was, I got some time to spend with my grandma before she went back to God and I graduated with a Masters in hand.

I hope my grandma is proud of me. 2008 was a year that I grew up a lot. I realized that I have more responsibilities and more choices to make. Sometimes it’s hard but everything comes with it’s own story. All I have to do is to understand the story before deciding.

Then, lo behold, am back in Aus. Continuing my research in PhD. I was so excited but now am regretting starting this journey. I mean its not what I expected. Everything went wrong from the day I got the offer letter from the uni. My research focus has changed more times than the days that passed since I started. My nice-calm-supervisor is now a supervisor with a vengeance. My social life is shot to hell. The only life I have is with this laptop of mine. It’s my companion, my lover, my friend, my shoulder to cry. Family can only provide support up to an extent. I know I sound cold but it’s the truth that comes with PhD.

It’s not easy. No book, no workshop, no talks or even mentors could explain to you how the situation really is until you’re in the situation yourself. But I guess, the only thing is to push through. I do hope everything goes well.

It’s been awhile since my last post because I couldn’t think of what to say. Just a quick update, I have been to Melbourne, nearly had an accident on the way back, found a girl, lost the girl and now it’s back to square 1. Oh yea, not to mention a lot of things happening back home which can’t be discussed here due to copyright issues.

Anyway, it’s the Malaysian independence day today. 50th year I might add. Very happy about it eventho I don’t show it. It’s exactly 1 yr and 3 months since I landed in Adelaide and  still I find it a bit too slow.  The recent weather changes is really worrying me. Don’t really know when the world would realize that they have to change their habits about being environmentally friendly. I could picture GreenPeace supporters waving banners saying "We told you so!" with the picture of snow fall in Africa. Would be funny but worrying none the less.

And the recent economic ups and downs. Ughhh, just because of speculations by stock traders, it almost caused a breakdown to the economic system. Can’t imagine that things like that could happen just because someone decided to spread speculations. A weak system IMO. (I’m not an expert in economics, so sue me)

I know, I know…I’m rambling. I’m trying to make time to think of what to write. What I wanted to say is being in a relationship with someone who thinks you’re her ATM just sucks. Oh well, I’m a sucker for cute girls. -H-

The weather in Australia and everywhere is screwed up. The abnormal drought in the Australia, the floodings in Malaysia, frequent earthquakes happening like almost every month and lots more.(You want to know more? Try reading the news more often, k?). It’s scary but it’s a reality that we all now live in. Nature is telling us its not feeling well but not many governments are taking the necessary steps to help improve the situation. Maybe it’s just that they all have some problems connecting the wires between their brains and their spinal cord. Eventhough they have the power to make changes but its usually done with the approval of a certain country. It just sucks but it’s just the way it is.

People have been used to being told what they should or shouldn’t do all their lifes. Each of us are. It’s just that it’s in different forms when we get older. Maybe we should all change and be unpredictable like the weather. Cold, warm, cold, dry, extremely hot etc. Scary thought…

Days of a university student always starts with a "Good Morning" greeting but mine always starts with "Oh, shit!" This is caused by the inability to wake up in time for class. For the past 4 days, I’ve been waking up abt an hour before class which is something I’m not use to. I usually wake up before the break of dawn and look around on Ebay. Anyway, by the time I had my shower, dressed and ate, it’s already 40 minutes past. I eat slow. Trust me. Then have to catch the bus and then walk to class. It would be already 20 minutes into the class when I arrive.

Everyone gives you the stare. I know, I know I’m late. Don’t need the stare to affirmed that. But being late for awhile has given me a new take on life. Life still goes on even if you’re late. Assignments would still be there. Everything would still be there. (But if it involves a life and death situation then it’s NOT a good idea to be late.) For now, I’m happy being late. I find myself concentrating more. Maybe I would do better this semester. Wish me luck…

I know it’s been awhile but I am goin through some changes in my studies. Might be changing universities but it’s not a certain thing coz in the imperfect world, I’m attached to a system that reacts but within a more casual time. So I have to wait. For the time being, I’m happy being where I am now. Meeting new friends, new classes, new "temporary" environment. Hopefully.

Life has been ok so far. Joined a bowling league (I know it sounds lame but hey, I need to do something to keep my mind off the troubles of the world), started cycling (cycled down to Hendley Beach..approx. 30km to and fro. My legs and my glutes are dying), reading more crime/thriller, watching more cooking shows (have set a goal to at least try cooking one of the recipes a week),  spending time  reading the news more often and  adapting to the new changes  of people in my building. 

Oh yeah, there’s a possibility of me goin for a Sydney trip this April with the gang. Would be cool to see what other idiotic statements I would make during the trip. (I keep a count..so far, it’s about 321 statements). Can’t wait to have a look at the 3 Sisters which is at the Blue Mountains. Heard it is spectacular. Was looking at the upcoming movies list the other day and found out that a lot of blockbuster movies are coming out this year…Harry Potter, Spiderman, Fantastic Four to name a few. (I like comics, so sue me). 

What else is new…I have a new haircut. Something I would spare the world from. So far that’s all the new stuff that’s happen in my life (2007). If you guys are still wondering whether you should pursue something that might not be deemed persueable, take my advice and just pursue it. Coz the thing that you want to pursue is seldom pursueable except for the right time when it is unpursueable. (Think people, think)

Clubbing…hmmm. Nothing special about it but everyone seems to be doing it. Why? I decided to find out by researching on a random club (name undisclosed for reference purposes and all the copyright issues..:P). What I found was that everyone changes in a club. I would admit that I would change too. Yea, I don’t think I need coffee to get high in a club. It’s just the environment that does that to you.  A hypnotic effect or maybe a certain feeling of freedom that the place brings where everyone can be anything who they really want to be for a few hours.  When you ask anyone abt clubbing, the first thing that comes to mind is alcohol. But that’s far from it. Lack of alcohol doesn’t meant you’re an outcast in a club. It’s your choice. No-one is going to pick on you. The main thing in a club is the level of dance you bring to the floor. But like in the case of drinking alcohol, no-one is going to laugh at you if you can’t dance. Not every single clubber is a professionally trained dancer. The main thing of going clubbing is having fun with your frens and just put aside your problems at work, home or anywhere else.

But if one of your frens couldn’t or didn’t want to have fun in a club then it simply causes a rift in the level of enjoyment u would gained from clubbing. But not everyone would enjoy clubbing but hey, like I said, it’s a choice. Never underestimate the power of saying NO to things that you are not likely to enjoy. It’s that simple. Back to the topic. Clubbing is not bad if you control the amount of time you dance and also by having the right people with you in a club makes a difference. Some people get hooked to the scene because they totally let themselves go with the music. Having the right people there is like having an anchor that brings you back down to reality. :). That’s how I see it. What do you think?

Today marked the 12th day I’ve started my holidays since the end of my exams. Before that, I was counting days to when the holidays would start but now since it’s started, I have been aimlessly trying to fill my days with some sort of activity to at least enjoy the holidays but to no avail. Weird mind I have, now IT’s thinking of going through the thick Java book that I have and it’s barely even 2 weeks into the holidays. It’s like having 2 personalities in your mind but with different agendas. Weird and scary at the same time. Just hope I don’t end up like the guy from movie "Identity". A whack job with 8 different personalities.

Ah, I guess it takes more than that to make me go crazy. I miss home. I guess that’s it. I just miss the smell and the feeling of home. Everywhere I turn, people seemingly forgot that I’m not going back so by the time the question of when I’m going back comes out for like…the 300th time, they then only realized that it was the wrong question to ask.

I’m spending more time listening to Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars. "If I lay here, If I just lay here, Would you lie with me and just forget about the world" is how the chorus goes. I wish I could do that…even the video clip looks excellent. If you haven’t heard the song then you should give it a go.  Listen to the lyrics. Not just because it’s a famous song or the fact that it’s played repeatedly  radio. Take time and listen. Then you’ll know what I’m talking about. Enough ramblings…

Lo and be hold, it’s already been 2 weeks and 6 days since I volunteered for the Cocoa and Blod Pressure study. Been gruelling but I managed to get through it. Albeit with a few cups of coffee from the local cafe. Hehe…so sue me. But I try to stick to the regime of havng a cup of cocoa in the morning and in the evening. Twice a day. Cocoa is pure cocoa. Not sweet, not tasteless also. Just in between. The way I like it.

I realized there’s a change in me. I’m easily more open with my feelings. Not sensitive generally, just more open. (I know the word is MELLOW, but come on…I’m not goin to admit that I’ve mellowed down). I’ve never really been open to people before. I guess that’s why I make jokes, to make my life sound more interesting. So whoever has read this, I’ve changed. No caffeine in the system. Remember that everytime you’re talking to me, you’re getting the stripped down version of me. No walls, no doors, just me. I also find I easily connect to strangers. Something that I couldn’t do when I was on coffee. Not a bad progress for me. Cheer for me guys. Pat me on the back. But never ever say that I’ve mellowed down. I’ll put that person 6 feet under. Literally.

Problem-listic infatuation. The feeling of being passionate abt something through/with problems. Just take a minute to think about it, look it up or laugh abt it. I have to say that everyone has a problem-listic infatuation syndrome. U know why? Coz problems are just apart of our lifes. Sometimes some people always seem to have really shitty situations to go thru but in end they just go on. Coz the important part of being alive is putting a foot or a few steps forward no matter what. That’s life’s greatest teaching and it applies to everyone since they were just small cells in their parents. You know, our cells are the ones that decide how we look like. So don’t complain if you don’t look like Brad Pitt or Heikal Husin, you decided how you look like today. Yea, we weren’t delivered by great big giant "STORKS".

Anyway, problems are just life’s way to say "Hey, you’re alive…be proud of it". For me and some of the people out there, we seemed to miss that fact. We complain, we moaned, we cry, we bitch abt it but we never really saw the good side of it until someone points it out. Keeping a problem inside is not the way to solve it but as humans, we have our own individual way of letting go. Take for an example, me….I like walking about aimlessly and drink loads of coffee. Coffee for me is like alcohol. Sad but that’s how I cope. Better than being an alcoholic. I intend to change that.

I now know that if I’m feeling sad or depressed, I would have my friends and my family to help me through. Most of the time we turn to our friends coz it’s easier. Its easy to open up to a person who doesnt really know you that well than someone who has been with you throughout your life.  Hence, the profession: Pyschiatrist.  Anyway, everyone has a syndrome called problem-listic infatuation.  It’s there. It’s the thing that pushes us everyday to be a little better. It’s what makes us feel human. So deal with it. Live with it. And don’t ever feel that you’re weird just because you’re sad over a problem.

You’re just going through a problem-listic infatuation phase. It will pass. So cheer up, get up and walk again. I know I will.

22 Oct 2006 - The announcement was made by Maer that Raya is the next day  No feelings of joy. Maybe it will come the next day.

23 Oct 2006 - Nope, still no joy. Comtemplated to go for Raya prayers since have some work to do. But I
went anyway. Nearly cried at the mosque after the khutbah. An Arab guy
beside me was in tears. Tough to see that especially on a day like Raya. Was fixed with the BP monitor.

24 Oct 2006 - A bit slow for a second day. Didn’t even felt like doin anything today.  The gathering was nice. A change from sitting in the room and wondering what to do for Raya. Food was good…now missing cheesecake. Damn good…Happy to get rid of the BP monitor. 

25 Oct 2006 - Today is the first day I embark on the Cocoa experience…No Coffee for 8 weeks. Pray for me ya?

26 Oct 2006 - Cranky since haven’t had any coffee in the last 24 hours. But I know it’s doing a world of good for my body. It needs the break. The feelings of a lonely Raya is seeping in me. I guess I’m letting my body be itself. Feelings over mind. I’m not afraid to admit that I do miss my family. LOADS! And I know what I’m doing here is for them. I think that any guy that is scared to admit missing their family during Raya are just plain stupid and ignorant.

27 Oct 2006 - Been busy with my assignments. Spend the day at uni. Nothing interesting.

28 Oct 2006 - I think I’m married to the PC at the lab. PC # 3, row 4….Its even got my mark on the side. Weird!…Think I’m growing attached to the PC. Need to change labs but I keep thinking that its like cheating on PC # 3. Pathetic, I know…

29 Oct 2006 - Managed to finish my assignments. A bit relaxed now. Raya feelings coming back. Guessed it wouldnt hurt to be a bit happy abt Raya.

30 Oct 2006 - Submitted my work. Happy abt it. Was suppose to meet the tutor but we cancelled it till Wednesday.

31 Oct 2006 - A free day. Went out for a walk and then spend my time in the room studying. Looking at Raya cards, a bit sad.